


Fears

by Castlewood_Bard



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Caretaking, Clowns, Dreams, Hallucinations, M/M, Nightmare, Scary Clowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25965031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castlewood_Bard/pseuds/Castlewood_Bard
Summary: Tom Paris is Harry's biggest fear.
Relationships: Harry Kim & Tom Paris, Harry Kim/Tom Paris
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	Fears

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during 'The Thaw' 2x23

Clowns. It had to be clowns. Of course it did. Only one thing had scared Harry more when he was young, but he was trying _not_ to focus on that at the moment.

One moment he and B’Elanna were talking to the ‘locals’, the next he was being dragged to the guillotine. His heart raced and his palms turned clammy. Every fiber of his  being fought  against the people who held him, but he wasn’t strong enough. A thought blazed through his mind- he was going to be dead in a second. He struggled harder.

Then Viorsa spoke up. He saved Harry’s neck,  literally, by appealing to the Clown’s want to live. The same fight or flight that had consumed Harry appeared on the Clown's painted face.

Relief washed over Harry when he saw the wake up call a few moments later. And was extinguished when he realized how powerful the Clown was. He could kill them all with a snap of his fingers. They couldn’t leave the others to die. Luckily, the he disappeared long enough B'Elanna to get information from the alien woman. Then she was gone, leaving Harry with the clown looming over his shoulder.

It might be better that way. Her temper could get them all in trouble. It was better used figuring a way out of here.

Harry moved to a corner with Viorsa and the others. Tapping his foot  impatiently, he listened to them talk. The Captain would find a way out of here. She had to. She had to. 

The air was getting thin, and the colors of the room swam before Harry’s eyes. “I need air.”

“Be careful, don’t talk to anyone,” the woman called. Harry turned his back before any of them stopped him.

He maneuvered through the crowd, making his way to a secluded hallway. The pattern on the wall made his head hurt, but at least it was quiet. He tried to take a few breaths, but his lungs had stopped working. 

Dread inched up his spine. At the academy, he’d taken a field medicine class, so he knew he was hyperventilating. But for the life of him, he couldn’t remember how to calm down. He took huge gulps of air, but nothing came. The colors blurred together as he slid down the wall. Then everything went dark.

***

When Harry opened his eyes, he saw Sick Bay. He almost cried.

“Doc?” His voice was hoarse, but he assumed it was from the ragged breathing.

“Ah, Mr. Kim. Awake I see. About time. You were out longer than everyone else. The Captain is holding a meeting in the mess hall, and you’re about to be late for it.”

“Oh. Am I okay to go?” Harry rasped. He would come back later to get his throat sorted out.

“Yes, fine.”

Harry nodded and hopped off the bed. As he left, he noticed a painting with a hundred colors and patterns splashed across it. When he came in for his throat he’d ask the Doctor about it. It was an interesting edition to the room; one Harry didn’t particularly enjoy. 

Walking down the hallway disoriented him. It took two tries to find the mess hall, but he figured it was his brain still shaking off stasis. Once he found it he snuck in, expecting to get a few glares for interrupting the Captain’s speech. Instead it was  just  the normal mess hall, except for a new accent wall painted in huge blocks of color. He wondered if time moved  differently  when you were in stasis. Neelix definitely couldn’t have done that in  just  a few hours.

Harry’s stomach told him food wasn’t a bad idea, and he glanced around for someone to sit with. His eyes fell on Tom, and Harry grinned. Tom would love to hear about the Clown. It was right up his alley; weird and dangerous all at the same time.

“Tom” Harry could  barely  speak now. He’d have to get to the doctor sooner rather than later. “Tom.”

But Tom wouldn’t look his way. Harry stepped closer.  Suddenly, he heard what Tom was talking about with the girls sitting around him.

“-Kim? No. No way. I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole!”

“That’s a lie!” One woman laughed. “You’re all buddy buddy with him. You even go into his room to listen to his ‘clarinet’.”

“Yeah ‘cause  I feel  sorry for him. I mean the guy’s so stupid he was about to get swindled by a _Ferengi_ when I first met him. He’s  just  followed me around ever since. And his ‘playing’ is more like squawking. I stuff cotton in my ears before I even think of going into his room. Surprised Baytart hasn’t murdered him yet.”

“T- To-“ Harry's throat was tighter and his eyes stung. He’d never asked for pity from Tom. If he didn’t like Harry, all Tom had to do was tell him. Harry would back off.

He glanced around the room and noticed the colors seemed to be expanding over more walls.  Maybe  it was a new hologram program. That might explain the static filling the room and ringing in his ears. He had to get out of here. Walking to the door, he attempted an ‘open’ command, but his throat was completely closed now. No sound, no voice command, no open door. 

Harry turned to ask someone for help, but ran straight into Tom instead. 

“Watch it!” 

The impact knocked all the wind from Harry and he fell to the floor, gasping.

“What? Now you’re quiet. I can’t believe I hung out with you this long.” The colors cast chilling shadows on Tom’s face as he glared down at Harry. “You’re pathetic, _Har_. You’re first assignment and you get lost on the other side of the galaxy. Ya know, I bet Libby didn’t even wait 24 hours after the announcement.  Probably  hopped in bed with the first guy on the street. Not that you care anymore. I mean how blind do you think I am. I see you staring at me. I know how you feel. You think I would ever  be interested  in _you_? Get a grip Harry.”

Then he walked across the room, threw a glance over his shoulder, and opened the opposite door. 

Harry tried to call to him, but it was useless. The buzz in his ears was louder as pain spread across his body.  Gathering his last bit of strength, he tried crawling to the open door but ended up collapsed with his face on the floor. The carpet grew thicker and began to curl in his nose. He tried to fight it, but he had nothing left. It snaked down his throat and into his lungs. He cried out in pain, but no sound came. Everything went dark again. 

Harry woke up gasping in the same hallway he had wandered into. He jumped to his feet, but crumpled to the floor, his legs useless.  Thankfully, the buzzing had stopped and his throat felt normal, but he couldn’t calm down. He pressed his hands against his eyes to rub away the image of Tom. It didn’t work. A sob escaped his lips. He snapped his mouth closed, but it wasn’t enough to stop another one. His brain shut down and he allowed himself to succumb to every emotion battering him. 

Crying wasn’t a normal thing for Harry, but now it felt like the only option. Besides, hat hallucination, or whatever, had left him weak. He didn’t think he could stand, let alone walk through the main room again. 

Through a blur of tears, he saw motion. A grey figure stalked toward him, and he knew the Clown had found his hiding spot. He struggled to his feet, trying to even his breathing.

“Harry, Harry, Harry,” came the Clown’s mocking tone. “I’m sorry you had to see that, but you left the party.”

“Get away from me.”

“I can’t do that, Harry. You’re supposed to be at the party, and I won’t leave until you agree to come.”

Colors appeared in Harry’s eyes, and he panicked. Another illusion threatened him.

“No! I’ll go. I’ll go…” Harry’s voice gave out. He could fight anymore. 

“Good. Follow me,” the Clown crooned. 

If Harry had known what else the Clown had in store, he might have taken the dream.

***

The Captain saved the day. He knew she would. Harry was  really  home this time. Well, he was on Voyager at least. 

B’Elanna helped him to Sick Bay, and the Doctor had a sedative in him before he could protest.

When he woke up it was dark, but he could feel someone stroking his hair. 

“Hm- who?” Sleep made it hard to see, but whoever it was, Harry didn’t want them to stop. 

“Sh- it’s okay, it’s  just  me. The Doctor needed to run a diagnostic, and Kes had a date with Neelix. They said someone should be here when you woke up, so I volunteered to stay. Your norepinephrine levels were higher than anyone else’s. Waking up alone might have caused more stress.” Tom’s voice cut through the dark. 

Tears sprang to Harry’s eyes, and he moved his head. What if the Clown had gotten to the rest of the crew. Found their feelings. What if what Tom had said in the dream was true.

Tom's hand stilled. “Harry, what’s wrong?”

“Tom- I- I’m-“

“It’s okay, Harry. You’re on Voyager. We got you.” Tom moved his hand back onto Harry’s forehead and brushed his bangs back. Harry winced. “You’re sweating. Should I get the Doctor?”

Harry tried to sit up but only made it halfway. He was still drained. 

“No. I’m fine,” he whispered.

“You’re not, but I doubt it’s something the Doc can fix. Is it okay if I stay with you, though?” 

Harry took a breath and not wanting to argue, answered, “Yeah.”

He heard a small sigh of relief and let his eyes drift closed again.

***

When he opened them again the room was still dark. It didn’t feel like much time had passed. He managed to sit up this time, and saw a shadow resting by his head. Tom.

He lifted his head  groggily. “Harry, are you up?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you feel better?” 

Harry did a quick check.  Physically, he was only tired.  Emotionally, he had no idea. He decided on an easy answer. “A little.”

“That’s good!” Harry could hear the smile in Tom’s voice. He was gentler as he continued. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Harry paled. Talking about it could confirm his worst fears. He played dumb instead. “About what?”

“Harry, come on. I’m your best friend. You  were trapped  in a horror house. I can tell it bothered you.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t say that. I can’t imagine what it's like in there, but I know it wasn’t nothing.” Tom scoffed.

Harry sighed. He’d have to give Tom something. “The system took the form of a clown. I hated clowns as a kid. And he knew other fears, too. Used them against  all of  us.”

Tom wasn’t convinced, so Harry went on. It was easy to open up once he started. “My parents took me to a colony, a radiation disaster, when I was little. There were… things kids shouldn’t see, but I did. He used that. And…”

“And?”

Harry didn’t want to say this part. “He found you.”

“Me?” Tom leaned forward, moving to take Harry’s hand, but stopped short. It didn’t seem like a good time for physical contact. Harry needed space.

“He… um- he found my memories of you and... twisted them. I know it wasn’t real, but it sure felt like it.” A bitter laugh escaped his lips.

“What did I do to you, Harry?”

“You- you,” Harry swiped at a tear as it slipped down his cheek. He didn’t want to hurt Tom. He didn’t know what to say.

“If you don’t want to say, you don’t have to, you know that. I  just  want to tell you I would never do… whatever it was.”

Harry nodded but couldn’t bring himself to meet Tom’s gaze. Words  slowly  crawled their way onto his tongue, and before he could stop himself, he blurted, “Do you like me, Tom?”

Tom looked at him like he had asked if the sky was blue.

“Of course I like you, Harry. What sort of question…” but he stopped himself. He knew exactly what kind of question it was. "That's what he made you think." he almost sounded sick.

“It’s  just \- I’m younger than you, and I didn’t know if that ever... annoyed you. I don’t know. It- It’s dumb.”

“It’s not dumb Harry, believe me. And, yes. Of course I like you. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known. It’s an honor to be your friend.”

Another tear caught on Harry's cheek. Tom wiped it away with his thumb. Harry glanced at him and smiled. A yawn followed.

Tom chuckled. “Get back to sleep, Har. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Harry leaned back and closed his eyes. Tom’s hand return to his hair. This time he didn't flinch. He did hear Tom murmur something that sounded an awful lot like, “Like you? Like you! Harry you dummy,  I think  I’m in love with you.”

With that, the last of Harry’s fears disappeared.

**Author's Note:**

> I had so much fun writing this! I hope you had as much fun reading it :) Kudos and comments always appreciated!


End file.
